In which she worked retail

Something today reminded me of my brief stint working in 'Petites' at Bloomingdales a few years back while waiting for the funding to come through for my job in D.C. and the usual hoops and legal rigmarole required to open new positions through U. Penn. I was thinking - I like clothes, I enjoy shopping now and then, maybe I'll enjoy it, right? WRONG. It was hell. If I have the misfortune of going to hell someday it will be this: an endless eternity of working retail in hell's own windowless Bloomingdales complete with lots of finicky old biddies to pander to. A couple of 'regulars' were particularly memorable, and they will surely be there in my own hell to make the experience complete.


Perhaps my favorite was a VERY old woman who truly seemed as if she had been sealed up in a brownstone for twenty years and just emerged bedecked in jewels and antique lace to do a little shopping. She demanded my complete and uninterrupted attention for the entire three hour stay in my dressing rooms while she insisted I look are her tushie to determine if the velour sweatsuit she was considering "cupped her bottom" far too much. I truly can't remember if she decided against the sweatsuit or not, but what I do recall too clearly is that I would have rather dug my eyeballs out with soup spoons than spend another moment looking at that woman's cupped behind.


In a close second was a woman with six toes on each foot. How do I know that? Because she was a frequent shopper in that department, and apparently the only shoes a six-toed woman can wear are strappy little sandals. See you just poke that sixth toe out the side between a couple of the straps and voila! you're good to go. I think she was a perfectly nice customer, but I don't like feet anyway, and those extra toes poking out were just, well, ick.


If nothing else, I have a greater respect for anyone who can work retail because my few weeks at Bloomies were sheer torture. I'd rather give pedicures for a living, and anyone who really knows me, knows that's saying something.